So I managed just about to convince my year head that I should stay :D Couldn’t bare to defer a year after all the support I have received and how much I love my year.
I went to another meeting with the metal health nurse at Keele and unfortunately she wasn’t very useful, just checked that I was ok, but I guess there isn’t a lot she could have done. I hope to attend a stress and anxiety workshop wednesday at uni which might come in useful. Then Friday I have a meeting with the Newcastle-Under-Lyme wellbeing team, who will hopefully put me through for CBT.
I managed to go to my lecture last Thursday, it was extremely hard as I and my body were so fearful my body started to make myself ill. Before leaving the door I was dizzy, panicy, tired, my vision went all fuzzy and I really thought I would throw up. I walked to the bus stop so determined to go to lectures and tried to fight off my feelings. I got on the bus with friends and felt really bad as I sat upstairs and knew the bus would fill up with people standing downstairs and I couldn’t get off. When the bus was stopped, such as at junctions I would panic then when it was moving it would make my stomach feel really ill like I was going to be sick. I got off the other end feeling a little better but very anxious. My friends and I went and sat in the union for about half an hour, at this point I didn’t feel ill just really anxious about feeling trapped and having to stay in my 9 oclock lecture. I went in and sat at the back so no one could see me with a friend, I couldn’t concentrate at all but managed to stay in there and hour.
That afternoon I was driven home by my grandparents back to Somerset as I needed to undertake my dissertation fieldwork the following day. The car journey was so much easier than on the way up the only anxiety I had was over getting in a queue and needing the loo but luckily they needed it as well so all went smoothly.
My grandma drove me to and from my fieldwork destination as I don’t fancy driving till I get some therapy.
I then got driven back up from the west country by my parents yesterday as I had a the meeting with the mental health nurse and neither of that was too bad.
Today I woke up a bit early (6am) and was wide awake I felt guilty lying there and thought I should get up and go to the library. I was really nervous on the bus because I was alone but I have found that chewing gum is getting me through a lot of these anxious situations and don’t go anywhere without it. I feel so nervous in the library like everyone is looking at me and was also worried about my first glacier lecture.
I felt like running a few times in the first 20 minutes of the lecture but half an hour in and I was actually enjoying the lecture. This has to be a big step. I went home and felt really drained from all the stress of the morning but and pleased that I have got back out there and am fighting this stupid thing.
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