Climbing the hill for the second time

Despite being super terrified on Wednesday evening, I got a good nights sleep ‘luckily’ and woke up with the right mind set of I will walk to uni it’s a nice day (1 hour walk), this walk was hard as with every step your walking away from the safety of your bedroom. I got to uni and went to the toilet in the sport centre to try and calm myself. The hardest thing was actually getting myself into the lecture. I sat at the back a metre away from the back door which was one of the most comforting things that could have happened. I put my voice recorder on in case I needed to leave and sat there. I would jot in the margins of my page how panicky I felt everyt ime it changed and this was nice to see it drop. I would think to myself when it suddenly peaks I was fine a few seconds ago and from experience I will be fine in a few more seconds just hold on in there. Now at this point if I am tired or emotional it will trigger stronger feelings do I need to get out of here now and that’s what I do. When I have had lots of sleep I can be the bigger man.

So in the end I actually managed two hours, when I was sure I wouldn’t make 15 minutes.

Now my afternoon lecture was harder as I had just eaten lunch and was suffering from indigestion which makes me feel I’ll suddenly at certain point during the lecture. Also someone sat next to me on the row trapping me in, it was extremely hard to get through but I didn’t want to let myself down and leave.
I got the bus home, I think I was so tired and wanted to get home to have a nap that it really wasn’t that bad.

I went up to uni today for a meeting, and once again it wasn’t easy, getting the bus was fine. It’s hard sitting there at each stop but it’s my mind teasing me to get off. I got to uni and was rather breathless but tried to ignore it. I got through my meeting and stayed in the library until my piece of work was submitted.

I feel sooo relived that its the beginning of my next piece of work like a fresh start and that begins tomorrow! I had a lovely bath this evening candles rubber ducks the lot and this time I actually relaxed. Not bad for someone who hasn’t relaxed once in well over a month.