Restructuring and getting use to things

So my last post wasn’t the best, I had just come home from uni and decided to defer the year. Going from having my head so focused on my uni work and trying to ignore my anxiety, to not having anything to focus on but my negative thoughts lead to it. I have now started to get use to the changes and thanks to arranging a private CBT session next week I have something to look forward to. I thought I was helpless and that I had let things get too bad for treatment but the therapist had heard it all before and said the treatment is very successful.

I am still struggling to get outside, it takes a lot of guts to get out of the comfort of the home. I tried to walk through town the two days ago to have my hair cut. I didn’t experience the intense indigestion I usually get half an hour before leaving just felt a little ill. When I opened the door I got a sudden head rush but I pushed myself and tried to accept it was me controlling the feelings. I then started the 20 minute walk, as I was walking I didn’t feel ill, but my vision was really strange I think it was like during a panic attack and nothing seems real. This continued until I got to the hairdressers. There was one time however, as I came round the corner and could see town and all the people for the first time, I got an overwhelming sense of fear, my mind started to race saying ‘go home your on the right side of town’, ‘if you go through there your going to have a panic attack and embarrass yourself’ and this made me feel slightly breathless and light headed. I do however understand and recognise these thoughts which aloud me to use my breathing exercise of in through nose and out through mouth and I made it through town. I got to my aunties/hairdressers and felt a bit better, just felt apprehensive on siting in the chair. I sat and explained quite easily what I wanted then with the aid of breathing techniques had my hair washed. It was then when I had to sit straight in the chair and have the cut that I had to close me eyes, try to talk to myself and use breathing techniques etc, it was hard but I did it. Once I left my vision and thoughts went back to normal and getting home was fine.

I have tried to arrange a few big things like days out but have worried about them so much I have cancelled. I have however decided to get out for walks in quiet places with my mum, this gives me something to look forward to that the only worry is the initial leaving of the house. It’s therefore clear little steps are the way forward but at least there in the right direction :)