For a year now before making car journeys I always think
there is the possibility I might not make it back home alive. I didn’t realise
this was anxiety until recently; I knew it was a strange thought to have but it
seemed reasonable so thought it was ok. Therefore this morning I was nervous
about making such a risky car journey as it involved going on a motorway.
My parents arrived around half 11 which gave me time to sort
my things and sit for a short while and relax beforehand. We sat and talked for
a little bit before packing up the car and started our journey home. If you see my post about Fear Of Motorways that is based on my journey home.
Stopped At A National Trust House
So we didn’t drive all the way home straight away instead we
got half way and went for a walk at a National Trust Estate. Now my anxiety
fluctuates greatly when going to NT places as it’s a mixture of scary and
relaxing moments. I am anxious about going in and being in the ticket office,
visitor centre, café, houses etc. but I enjoy walking around the gardens with
my parents. Being in the ticket office only takes a few minutes they just check
our passes and tell us about the house but I feel panicky I want to sit down
and worry I might have a panic attack in front of someone who thinks I look
fine. The cafe for me is annoying in the past it would be warm and relaxing,
however, now I immediately go in and work out how many people are in there,
where the exit is, where is the best place to sit (preferably near the door)
and I sit myself with my back to everyone. For about 15 minutes to half an hour
I feel I can’t breathe properly and that I am going to have a panic attack in
front of everyone. My mind struggles to think about anything else and I tend to
be very quiet. Then after this time I begin to relax and am able to hold a
conversation again. I do like the treat of an National Trust lunch they are so
lovely, I just wish I could relax more. Now the house only had four
rooms, which was good as it meant I wasn’t walking around a building I could
get lost in and knew the exits, however, we were the only ones there and this
meant the guides wanted to tell use everything. Now I thought the man telling
use everything was brilliant, really interesting, open for questions and
confident, but I felt trapped I didn’t want to say sorry I am starting to have
panic attack may I go outside as I didn’t want to be rude seeing there was only
three of use and I couldn’t be subtle. I did manage to stay despite feeling
extremely agitated, if it had got any worse I would have had to leave but I
just about held on in there. I was glad to get out of there and go on a walk
around the estate. I didn’t have any anxiety when walking around the woods and
fields it was really nice to get out for a bit and burn off some of that
adrenalin. 
On The Road Again
Back on the road, and it was much better this time we were
only on the motorway for a little while longer and we came off at strode. I was
really bored at this point, you know when you have been in the car for too long
and you have sat in every position possible and nothing is comfortable
anymore. Well we made a quick stop in Sainsburys, I like the Strode
Sainsbury’s as I have never had a panic attack in there and have been in there
with a much higher state of anxiety before and managed it. It’s big and open
and I don’t feel that bad in it compared to other supermarkets. We got a few items for the next few days and started our journey home again. I was very
tired for the final hour of the journey, all the stressing and anxiety really
takes it out of you and I was glad to be home.
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