I don't want christmas I just want to be anxiety free!

Last few days

So I haven't really done a great deal the past few days, I have just sat around watching other people run around stressed and busy while sat on the sofa trying to burry my head in TV and books. Friday started off well with me doing some crafty things until about 3 but then I just got really tired and spent the rest of the day waiting for it to end. Then I woke up Saturday with no motivation to do anything and spent the entire day waiting for bedtime. 

Today

Today I woke up knowing I was at least going to go on a walk in the countryside with my mum, I got ready and we headed out about 11. I felt a little anxious before leaving the house but over came it by going to the toilet lots as a way to relax, I then was surprisingly fine in the car, and when changing into my hiking boots in the car park, however, after walking for just a few minutes I had a really overwhelming sense of panic and inability to breath come over me, I took some Rescuse remedy immediately and after a few minutes it slowly went down to a more manageable level. As we walked it wasn't easy I was feeling pretty down and struggled to see the excitement and beauty in anything, from the running water to the blue sky, nothing was working. It wasn't until about an hour into the walk I began to enjoy it at least a little bit. We then went to a local garden centre for lunch, I was fine for the first few minutes after walking in but then I began to feel breathless and uneasy like I wanted to lie down. Going to the toilet helped a little bit but I knew I was about to go into the cafe area to eat so remained apprehensive. I did choose my food and sit down quickly as for me that's the hard part making a decision under pressure whilst being watched. Once sat down I was anxious but I could deal with it and it wasn't coming at me in overwhelming ways. I did enjoy my meal which is a little achievement but it's hard to see it worthy enough for a medal. Afterwards we walked around the garden centre but after about twenty minutes I became very anxious, very fidgety and it was defiantly time to go home. This evening has been ok I thought I would be in a much better frame of mine but once again I felt like I am just waiting for evening to pass so I can go to sleep, and because the TV was so awful it went really slowly. I really hope I can snap out of these feelings of wishing my days away and that I want Chrsitmas to be over and done with. If only humans hibernated for a few months life would be so much easier. 

Creating A CBT Notebook and Lunch With Grandparents

I woke up around eight and was awake enough to get dressed straight away. I then was in the mood to do something contrastive and I started to write my first draft of a blog post for the past few days. This took me around two hours in the end as I had done quite a lot and wanted to explain all. I then began to make an Anxiety book from a spare note pad I have acquired. I have sheets from CBT etc. that I stuck into it and will be using it to keep a record of everything I have learnt during the sessions as well as other things that I have picked up elsewhere.

Then I went to my grandparents’ house with my mum for lunch, I really like going to their house as it’s warm, cosy and relaxing. I also don’t need to do very much to please my grandparents, by eating their food I feel like I am doing them a favour. Then in the afternoon my mum and nan went off for a few hours shopping while me and my granddad went for a walk around town with my Aunties dog for a few hours, this was really nice as I was able to get out in the fresh air, do some exercise and please my granddad. We got back to their house and I watched TV for an hour before my mum come to take me home, I was ready to fall asleep and didn’t want to go out in to the stormy weather. Once home I ate my dinner and then when I thought everyone had gone out went upstairs to sing a cheeky bit of opera for a couple of hours. I haven’t sung in years and it’s something I would like to get back into again, it’s just relearning the breathing techniques as I run out of breath quickly, maybe my sister will teach me. I had small rumbled of anxiety today, but nothing really stood out which is good as it must mean my anxiety levels are reducing slowly.

Visiting The Doctors

Today I spent a few hours sorting my belongings that I had brought home from university at the weekend. I didn’t feel anxious this morning, however, I am finding I can only do a couple of hours of anything a day and then I need to lie down and do something simple like watch TV, I think my brain is just too tired at the moment. At 4 my mum came home to take me to the doctors, I wasn’t anxious beforehand but once I got in the car suddenly my mind began to race and I felt I couldn’t breathe. I tried to think of some of the techniques that I have been taught in CBT to deal with it but I just couldn’t think of any at the time and wasn’t able to use it. I however, look forward to the moment CBT techniques are second nature and I am able to stop these situations/thought processes. Once at the doctors I did my usual of going to the toilet, this helps me relax by just taking a couple of minutes to relax on my own. I then signed in and sat in the waiting area, I was ok for the first minute when I sat down and then as time went on I became increasingly agitated and anxious. I became very hot despite it not being so and sat there in just a short sleeved dress I was experiencing the same sort of heat you have with the flu. I found it hard to breathe properly, I was struggling with the bright artificial light, I wanted to lie down, I couldn’t hold a conversation with my mum as I was unable to concentrate and if I spoke I felt even more breathless and my brain was telling me to get outside and try and cool down. I had to wait twenty minutes longer for my appointment than I was meant to and this really didn’t help. I then entered the doctors room and felt slightly better for a minute and then my attention went again, if I was asked questions I found it hard to answer them so luckily I had my mum with me and I had taken a list of things I wanted to ask: a doctor’s note to send to my university, more slow releasing propanol and a hormone balancing drug. I did struggle to stay in the room but I knew it wouldn’t last long so pushed through. As soon as I left the room my anxiety levels dropped rapidly and I was able to hold a conversation again with my mum,  I also felt really cold as I had just spent the last hour without a coat on. I also became really tired from the anxiety of the past hour, so I just spent the evening relaxing on the sofa.

My Second Session Of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

I had my appointment at eleven which was a good time for me as it meant I got it over and done with early on in the day and could have the afternoon to relax. I walked over which meant I could hopefully reduce my anxiety a bit before having to sit for an hour with my therapist. So I first talked about what had happened since I had last seen me therapist, such as, feeling anxious just sitting watching TV, fear of phone calls, going into Superdrug, being at an energetic friend’s house, going on the Motorway and being in a café. They reassured me that everything I was feeling was because of anxiety.










I then showed them my Hierarchy of Feared Situations:

1 Being at home (Don’t Avoid) (Stress level 3-6)
2 Sitting in a room of people (Sometime Avoid) (Stress level 3-8)
3 Walking in public (Don’t Avoid) (Stress level 5)
4 Walking through town (Sometimes Avoid) (Stress level 8)
5 Making phone calls (Do Avoid) (Stress level 7-8)
6 Going into a shop in town (Do avoid) (Stress level 6-8)
7 Cafes (Do avoid) (Stress level 6-8)
8 In a car not driving myself (Don’t avoid) (Stress level 3-10)
9 Supermarkets (Do avoid) (Stress level 8)
10 Checkouts/Tills (Do avoid) (Stress level 8-9)
11 Theatre, Cinema, Lecture Hall, Sports centre (Do avoid) (Stress level 9-10)
12 Train (Do avoid) (Stress level 9-10)
13 Me driving car (Do avoid) (Stress level 9-10)

We talked these through and it was clear that it was fear of being trapped within a place and unable to get out and that I could have a panic attack. 

So we began at the beginning of the list, my therapist asked me to think about an anxious time when I was at home. I gave the example of that very morning, I had woken up after eating too much the previous day with indigestion and this was making me feel nauseous. I have a fear/massive dislike of being sick despite not being ill since a young child. When I feel nauseous I begin to swallow a lot which triggers my saliva glands to over work and my mouth feels full, as a child this use to make me upset as I didn’t know how to stop it and use to spit it into the sink, which made it worse. I have now learnt however that by just stopping myself from swallowing and breathing deeply for a few minutes makes it stop. I keep telling myself I must not be sick, and that I have to do everything I can not to be. I was also thinking I should tell my therapist I would have to cancel as I was ill, however, as time passed it went off and I was able to make it to my session.

From everything I had explained in the session my therapist realised that I was always asking myself ‘what if?’ which is good from an academic point of view as I am curious, however, as my recent post 'Fear Of Motorways' illustrated I used what if statements to build up a negative events that is unlikely to happen.

My therapist also recognised my need for certainty ‘I must know/I have to be certain at all times’. For example, that morning I needed to be certain I wasn’t going to be sick and therefore I focused on it. Rather I should be saying there is a possibility it might happen however I haven’t been ill in years so why would it happen now and if it does I will and can deal with it. Over time I therefore need to realise that you can never be certain about anything and that I should accept it might but look for evidence/a reason why it is unlikely.

Another issues I keep facing is that I sometimes I feel I can’t breathe very well despite my airways being clear. Once I latch onto this thought I then look for signs it’s going to get worse and I start to play around with my breathing speeds. I get annoyed as I was subconsciously breathing on my own a few seconds ago and now I am trying out a number of different ways to find one that feels best. I told my therapist this and she reassured me that I can’t stop myself from breathing if I run out of breath by body with automatically make me take in a great gulp of air, like when you hold your breath. This makes me feel better about it; however it’s going to take some getting use to.

For next week I have been given two template thought records which I will fill in and explain in a different post.

Sisters School Christmas Concert

My sister had her schools Christmas show in the local church in the evening, I hadn’t made the decision on whether to go because it was a public space that I would be trapped in and everyone puts this lets be posh and polite attitude on and I just wanted to blend into the crowd. I was irritable and quiet all afternoon as I subconsciously knew that I wanted to go and was worrying about it. I still hadn’t got ready until half an hour before and my sister had gone off not knowing if I would or wouldn’t make it. I felt breathless, tired, dizzy, headachy and was very frustrated with myself that I couldn’t just go like any normal person. I got dressed and decided I would at least try. I took a spare pair of car keys and a blanket so that I could leave the concert and sit in the car if I needed to. I walked into the church and found a space near the back and behind a pillar, this was good as it meant less people were watching me but it also meant that I couldn’t see the show. I really struggled for the first hour I felt breathless and wanted to lie down or run away. These feelings came in surges one second I was in control the next I was ready to leave. Each time this feeling came I kept saying I will leave in a minute then the feeling would reduce enough that I could calm myself before the next one. I then began to pick off my nail varnish and this made me immediately relax I was able to hold a conversation, listen to the music and to some extent relax. I guess it just took my mind off everything. I enjoyed the show and was glad I went but I still don’t get a great sense of achievement for something I could have easily done a few months ago, just a sense of frustration. Once I had relaxed nearer the end of the concert I then began to feel really tired, it’s like you feel after you have eaten too much of Christmas day and just want to have a nap after all the effort your body and mind has just been through. I certainly slept well that night.

Going Home From Keele To Somerset

I woke up early as most of my housemates were leaving for the library and I wanted to say my goodbyes. I ate my breakfast and saw them off. I then spent an hour moving all my belongings to the front door so that it would be quick and easy to pack once my parents arrived. I was glad I was able to exercise as it was helping keep my adrenalin from over spilling too much. My anxiety was high as I was not only emotional about leaving and seeing my parents again but scared about making the long journey and getting on the motorway.

For a year now before making car journeys I always think there is the possibility I might not make it back home alive. I didn’t realise this was anxiety until recently; I knew it was a strange thought to have but it seemed reasonable so thought it was ok. Therefore this morning I was nervous about making such a risky car journey as it involved going on a motorway.

My parents arrived around half 11 which gave me time to sort my things and sit for a short while and relax beforehand. We sat and talked for a little bit before packing up the car and started our journey home. If you see my post about Fear Of Motorways that is based on my journey home.

Stopped At A National Trust House

So we didn’t drive all the way home straight away instead we got half way and went for a walk at a National Trust Estate. Now my anxiety fluctuates greatly when going to NT places as it’s a mixture of scary and relaxing moments. I am anxious about going in and being in the ticket office, visitor centre, café, houses etc. but I enjoy walking around the gardens with my parents. Being in the ticket office only takes a few minutes they just check our passes and tell us about the house but I feel panicky I want to sit down and worry I might have a panic attack in front of someone who thinks I look fine. The cafe for me is annoying in the past it would be warm and relaxing, however, now I immediately go in and work out how many people are in there, where the exit is, where is the best place to sit (preferably near the door) and I sit myself with my back to everyone. For about 15 minutes to half an hour I feel I can’t breathe properly and that I am going to have a panic attack in front of everyone. My mind struggles to think about anything else and I tend to be very quiet. Then after this time I begin to relax and am able to hold a conversation again. I do like the treat of an National Trust lunch they are so lovely, I just wish I could relax more. Now the house only had four rooms, which was good as it meant I wasn’t walking around a building I could get lost in and knew the exits, however, we were the only ones there and this meant the guides wanted to tell use everything. Now I thought the man telling use everything was brilliant, really interesting, open for questions and confident, but I felt trapped I didn’t want to say sorry I am starting to have panic attack may I go outside as I didn’t want to be rude seeing there was only three of use and I couldn’t be subtle. I did manage to stay despite feeling extremely agitated, if it had got any worse I would have had to leave but I just about held on in there. I was glad to get out of there and go on a walk around the estate. I didn’t have any anxiety when walking around the woods and fields it was really nice to get out for a bit and burn off some of that adrenalin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On The Road Again

Back on the road, and it was much better this time we were only on the motorway for a little while longer and we came off at strode. I was really bored at this point, you know when you have been in the car for too long and you have sat in every position possible and nothing is comfortable anymore. Well we made a quick stop in Sainsburys, I like the Strode Sainsbury’s as I have never had a panic attack in there and have been in there with a much higher state of anxiety before and managed it. It’s big and open and I don’t feel that bad in it compared to other supermarkets. We got a few items for the next few days and started our journey home again. I was very tired for the final hour of the journey, all the stressing and anxiety really takes it out of you and I was glad to be home.

Fear Of Motorways

This post explains my fear of motorways and what I experience, I hope however to learn and explain techniques of overcoming it in the future and eventually take my pass plus.

A fear of driving on the motorway is something that seems to be common within my family, no one likes it and therefore I think it has rubbed off on me. A lot of my family members will try to avoid them as much as possible until the benefits are too good not to. My heart begins to race just thinking about them. The worst thing about them is getting on to them, you pick up speed quickly on the slip road always at a nasty angle to the oncoming traffic and are rapidly approaching a lane full of lorries. You then make a quick decision on whether you can make it into a gap of moving vehicles and drive out into it. Or even worse there isn’t a gap for you and you have to make the quick decision to stop or slow down which is really dodgy as you then would then have to get into the next gap and get up to the speed of the moving traffic without a lorry running you over.

Once on the motorway you spend your time watching endless near misses, stupid drivers and making the balancing act on what service stations to visit. The motorway is full of people who could easily lose their concentration at any moment and all in cars that tires could explode or catch on fire. You spend your time weaving in and out of lanes all in the bid to stay at the same speed all the way home.

Not only am I thinking about this possibility of an accident I am also aware that I am enclosed on a busy road that I am unable to get off of, I feel very panicky and that I can’t breathe. These feelings remain for about half an hour to an hour after which my body crashes once the surge of adrenalin drops. I sometimes open the window to get fresh air and this really reduces my feelings I cant breathe and I am trapped.

I also feel very anxious when I seen signs for service stations, for the one mile approach I am questioning ‘Do I need to toilet?’, ‘If I tell my parents I need to stop will they be annoyed as we have only just stopped a short while ago?’, ‘I better say something now I don’t know how long it is to the next one’, ‘I shouldn’t keep going to the toilet its only my anxiety’ the services exit is now in sight, ‘Right that’s it I am going to go I would rather go than not and regret it’. I am able to go past a service station but this is generally once my adrenalin dropped and my whole body wants to sleep or I have only just been in the last half an hour.

 

Last Day At Keele

Today is my last day in the house and therefore I needed to make sure everything is packed up to take home tomorrow and that my presents and cards are ready. I had breakfast and then set out to sort my things. I didn’t experience very much anxiety today at all, other than the odd thought or feeling, such as, when I was getting hot from moving everything up and down the stairs I considered it might be a sign I was ill, but it didn’t stop me from getting on with things. I then had a really lovely evening with my housemates we sat in the living room watching TV together and ordered Chinese. I did feel breathless at times in the living room but I was in a good state of mind to cope with it, and I felt that it was a slight tests that I needed to pass. It was a lovely evening to end on.

Third Day Away From Home

On today's to-do-list was to write my Chrsitmas cards and go into town (5 minute walk) and get a present for my mum for Christmas. I had a lazy morning, I did set and alarm for 8 and this was a good idea as it stopped me from going into light sleep for hours. I had breakfast and watched TV until 11am, when I decided to run myself a quick bath. I have a waterproof iPad case (from amazon) which means I can watch programmes in the bath and this I did. I stayed in the bath for an hour and a half watching catch up. I then got out, got dressed and had lunch, it was at this point I started to feel more anxious as I knew I was going to need to shop in the next few hours. I was putting it off and continued to until my housemate said she would join me, this helped as at least she would be there if I had a panic attack. I was nervous like I was about to enter an exam before I left the house and as I walked into town. Once I entered the shop I did need to try and calm myself down a little and was having thoughts of leaving, however I stayed in there for about five minutes which was good, I just didn't really look properly as I wanted it to be over. I then went to another store and I felt a little bit better but still nervous I would have a panic attack and thoughts of leaving the shop. I quickly found a present though that I love and am exited to give. I took it to the till and stood in a two person que. I did fidget a lot at this point as I was really nervous I was going to have an attack and my brain kept asking me if I wanted to leave the shop. My anxiety levels shot up once my card was in the machine, this is because it's a sign of being temporarily pinned to the spot and I can't go any where. However, my anxiety went down loads once I left the shop and walked home. 

University House Christmas Tree

I was then fine for a few hours just sat in the living room playing on my iPad. Then about 6 I started to feel more agitated and stated focusing on the fact I wasn't able to breath as clearly as I would have liked. I felt like I needed to lie down and for half an hour close my eyes. These sort of feelings continued through the evening getting worse when the room was full of people as it means there is more people to see me agitated and less room to lie down. 

Second Day Away From Home & How I Make The Perfect Bath

Wednesday 

So as I stated in my previous blog I had a really bad night sleep, most likely due to over sleeping in the past few days. I woke up and my two plans for the day were to have a bath and make glittery Christmas cards. And that is what I did. 

My Housemates On Elf Yourself

How to have a Good Bath

This might sound silly a silly subtitle but I find the bath the safest place to be and therefore I need to savour this moment. I go in the bath when I feel ill, tired, hungover, upset, confused, stressed, anxious, etc, not only am I able to temporarily focus on making my perfect bath to distract myself, once in the warm waters no one can disturbed me, it's my time. Occasionally my anxiety brings to my attention that I could drown or something can fall on my head but I am in the right frame of mind to tell myself to chill and not worry. 

1) If you have a detachable shower head turn it to the heighest power setting and blast the bath clean, really good fun and therapeutic.

2) Run the bath and add your favorite bath bubbles, bomb, bar etc. I use stress releasing or spa products, the stronger the smell the better as this alerts your brain that you are in a beautiful place and that your nose is working just fine so no need to fear you can't breath.

3) Remove all noises, ticking clocks, extractor fans, phones etc.

4) Light Candles 

5) Arrange to either to do nothing in the bath and just space out or just one thing, such as, reading a book. I have tried in the past to answer emails, read educational literature, open letters, and more all in one bath session and I have just found myself either doing none of it or just not relaxing. Recently just taking a book in is to much, I get in the bath and I am all relaxed then my mind says you better read that book now, as suppose to yay I want to read my book.

6) Enjoy a cold drink or delisious snack, even your dinner, yes I have done that.

7) Use some products that you see as a treat such as deep hair conditioners or body scrubs to make yourself feel pampered. 

8) If you need two hours in the bath then that's fine, if you need ten minutes then that's fine too, the thought 'that's better' is key to the perfect bath.

Just do something

Setting myself the task of making glittery Chrsitmas cards was a good idea as it allowed me to focus for a few hours on something other than myself. I am happy with my qwerky cards, there different and will mean a lot to my family.

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Anxious About Making Phone Calls

Now I thought my anxiety about phoning people was just a dislike, my dad doesn't like it either and will avoid it and I do the same. Once I am on the phone or if someone initiates the call I will happily put on my posh phone voice and get on really well. I do fiddle with things and pace around once on the phone but it's not uncomfortable. But I hate dialing the numbers in and wait to hear hello. I often tell myself it's going to be fine your good on the phone. I type in the numbers and my heart starts to race, on good days I will put it to my ear, on bad days I will put the phone down and try later. I am anxious about how I will start the conversation especially if I need to explain something, the worst thing that will happen is I won't make any sense and won't get the right answers so I dont know why it scares me so much. 

I plan to ask my Therapist this week about it and will hopefully learn some techniques on how to deal with it.

First Day Away From Home And a Bad Night Sleep

I was pretty impressed that my Anxiety wasn't affecting me to much during the day, I got up late and got ready to meet my Grandparents at 11 who were staying the night to check that I was going to be ok. We arranged to go for a short walk in the countryside which was really nice. I didn't have any overwhelming anxious thoughts or feelings until I went for lunch in a local garden centre. I had my back turned to the crowded room which helped and I took some rescue remedy which helped me relax a bit. Every now and then I would feel a bit funny, like I wanted to lie down and that I was dizzy. It didn't last all the time thoughts would come and go every ten minutes and I would have to use techniques to bring my thoughts under control, and this will get easier once I learn skills through CBT. We then went back to the house to pack the car full of my belongings which my grandparents were going to drive home for me. I didn't experience any problems until saying good bye when I wanted to sleep and felt dizzy again, but this just because of my heightened emotional state when saying goodbye. I was aware that they were my only chance of going home for a few days and it was on my mind would I cope. I was fine then all evening no real anxiety or panic.

Bad Night Sleep

I haven't suffered from not being able to sleep until last night when I initially couldn't get to sleep, then I woke up every hour until five in the morning. Every time I wake up I have to go to the toilet as I convince myself I need it, which is really frustrating as it's cold and wakes me up. I also woke up around two with really high levels of anxiety, I was really agitated and nervous I was going to have a panic attack, I was half asleep and was struggling to cope with the scary emotions. I took some Rescuse remedy and watched a short programme to try to calm myself down and focus which helped and then managed to get back to sleep. An hour later I woke up with the worst dead arm I have ever had it was so painful and I couldn't control my arm. My anxiety quickly led me to believe I was going to loose my arm as I had just woke up and didn't know how long it had been like that. I had seen a trick that you should flick your arm to make the blood flow back into it and I ended up over flicking as I couldn't contol it and ended up hitting the wall and my then face. Funny now but at the time really scary. I then managed to calm myself again and went back to sleep. So not the best, however I do realise I need to get myself into a better sleeping routine and get off my iPad about ten and set an alarm to wake up about eight. I think by having a routine I will feel more in control and sleep better.

Going back to university to pick up my belongings

The Evening Before 

I was really anxious about travelling back up to Keele, I was scared about getting in the car and travelling for three hours on busy roads, I was worried I would need to toilet on the way up, I was worried if I would be ok leaving home after two weeks and worried I will feel alone and bored at uni which will make me worse. 

The Journey 

I was fidgety and nervous when I got up and wondered a few times if I wanted to go at all, but I knew I had to bring all my belongings home. I went to the toilet about ten times in the two hours between waking up and leaving but it was just how I dealt with the nerves. I finished packing and I set off on my way with my grandparents in the front. I find that I feel better in the back of the car, I don't feel I am being watched and can sit in weird positions and not get laughed at. After an hour we stopped in Sainsburys just before getting on the motorway for a toilet stop and drink. I was surprised I didn't feel as anxious in the car or going in Sainsburys. I did use Rescuse Remedy drops before leaving the house and four hours later as they really helped me relax. 

The motorway was hard to be on as all I could see was accidents unfolding in front of me, so just closed my eyes and tried to sleep through busy parts. We arrived a few hours later and I went into the house, I felt surprisingly relaxed just tired from the journey and previous anxiety. I didn't feel hungry so my grandparents went out for lunch and left me for a few hours in the house. I started to pack up my room to see how much stuff I have to try and get back to Somerset and there is a lot more than I thought. After being in the house and hour I got bored so decided to go out with my grandparents. We drove half an hour to a large garden centre, I struggled this time more in the car, I think it was a bit warm and stuffy so I didn't feel I could breath as well and I was tired. Once out of the car I felt a little bit better and was fine until we went to the cafe around half 4, after a hot chocolate I felt like I wanted to sleep, put my head down and my vision wasn't quite right. I was happy with the amount I have faced today and am looking forward to getting a good night sleep

What Am I Anxious About Now?

My grandparents are leaving tomorrow afternoon with car full of my things and my parents won't be picking me up until Saturday so I worry that I will desperately want to go home between these days and can't get home. However, I really want stay to spend my last week at uni and see everyone before Christmas...decision decisions. 

On the whole a progressive day.

I Am Just Going To Visit Superdrug!

My therapist told me to try and do something little each day rather than take giant leaps, I tried this twice before and failed at after a couple of days.

When I was at uni a few weeks ago I didn't really understand what anxiety was all I knew is that I wanted to get to lectures. I forced myself out the house feeling like I had gone down with the flu, head ache, sleepy, cold sweats with hot flushes, dizzy, feeling like I was going to be sick and faint etc. I did get myself into the lecture and these feelings went down gradually as I sat there. However, I wasn't going to lectures everyday and this meant that every time I went out after a few days break I had to do the same all over again. Then I had a week off and this is what caused me to think enough was enough something is wrong. So this time I am really aware that I need to take little steps  daily and it is going to take time to recover.

So one place I wanted to go was into my town centre to Superdrug to buy some make up. Now a few weeks ago I would have found this easy literally just going into a shop finding the item and paying, however, my mind starts to ask questions like what happens if you have a panic attack in there and everyone sees? How long will you be in there for? Go home your in danger! It's hot in there you might faint! Keep walking then you are less likely to faint! And so on which initially I want to do what it says and run home, however, I am now having to teach myself it's all adrenalin talking and it's fine.

What happened?

I wasn't that nervous before I left home but anxiety grew as I walked down with my mum (would have been a lot harder on my own, not quite ready for that yet) I used the in through your nose out through your mouth breathing technique and which really helped calm me down. I walked into the shop and yes the heat did make me feel uncomfortable and more prone to fainting but I tried to just slow myself down and acclimatise myself. It wasn't easy but I managed to have a look around the store and pay. Once I left I wasn't completely replaxed but wanted to push myself to look around some other shops. I actually relaxed after half an hour till my anxiety was just a dull blur in my head and enjoyed it.

Going to see a friend

Christmas Card To Friend Made On Paint

We then walked up to post an Xmas card and ended up knocking in the door. We got invited in and he was very energetic and exited. For some reason I really struggled to keep calm, maybe because of the energy of the people in the room, or because it was late and I was tired and hungry. I used breathing techniques and tried to have the mind set of go on then brain do your worst it did get me through but I look forward to learning some more ways to get myself through these kind of situations.

I was proud I managed to make it through my day and hope to try something little everyday from now on.

First Session of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Yesterday I had my first session of CBT I did go private as I can barely get out the house and if I do I wont go into public for long so wanted to get help quickly. The therapist I saw was lovely and the room I was in was large which made me feel relaxed as I didn't feel trapped. Initially they asked me how I was currently to get an idea if CBT would be right for me, then they went through how CBT works. They then asked a number of questions which allowed me to let them know how far back me anxiety has occurred in my life and if there was a cause. I took along a list of things I was anxious about and what I wanted to get out of the sessions. If you are to go to any session or to the Doctors with anxiety I would suggest you make a list before hand as you might not be in the right mind to think when you are there, and its comforting to have.

Anxious About

- Hitting a pot hole when cycling
- Electric shocks
- Hot Taps
- Driving
- Animals
- Locking a front door
- Boilers exploding
- Food poisoning
- Wasps
- Needing the toilet
- Old floors caving in
- Seeing something on TV and thinking its going to happen to me
- Being sick
- Needles
- White water kayaking
- Catching the house on fire
- Being burgled
- Lecture theatres
- Shops
- Cinema
- Swimming pools
- Public Transport
- Opening a car door when going along a fast road
- Walking under road signs
- Slippery surfaces
- Having a panic attack
- Failing something I am working towards
- Burning myself
- AND MORE

Key Things I Would Like to Get Out of The Sessions

- Not to fear getting ill or making myself ill through fear
- Not having to go to the toilet all the time when out in public
- Being able to go to places I fear
- Learn to mentally relax
- Not picking my face through anxiety
- Remove any bad thoughts about the above and new anxieties

I was then told to make a list of places I am afraid to go to from least to most and bring it to the next session along with a list of all the anxious thoughts I have had throughout the week. Both will then be discussed in the next session.

What Will I Blog About In The Next Few Weeks
Over the next few weeks I hope to blog about:
- My need for perfection in things I do that has got me to the place I am at now
- look through my Diary from Year 4 and Year 11 to try and see signs of Anxiety
- My weeks anxious thoughts
- My list of places I fear
- A review of the next few chapters of 'At Last A Life'
- Day to day events.

Obsessive Compulsive Skin Picking

Now I am really happy to talk about my Anxiety and Panic Attacks but this is something that is pretty embarrassing for me. As part of my anxiety like someone would bite their nails, smoke, drink or play with their hair I embarrassingly take hundreds of small gouges out of my face. Many days I cannot go to sleep unless there are no bumps on my skin, be it on my face, back, upper arms or chest. I have done this for years and it temporarily makes me feel more relaxed. Some days its worse than others but it something on my list of things to overcome. I am lucky so far that it hasn't left me with scars, but I need to get it sorted before it does.

Why?

It makes me feel temporarily relaxed, sometimes I don't know I am doing it, I want nice smooth skin.

When?

I tend not to do it when wearing make up and in public, I tend to do it in bed, when reading, in the shower or when really stressed out about something.

How does it make you feel?

Sad, annoyed and embarrassed. I would never go out into public without make up on because of it as it makes me look like I have acne and haven't washed despite in many case over cleaning it. It only has temporary relaxing qualities and then I feel a lot worse afterwards as it makes me look horrendous.

What have you tried to overcome it so far?

Well I went through a stage of denial saying it was acne and used all the treatments, from face masks to medication. However, it wasn't getting to the route of the problem. I go through stages when I am like right I am going to stop and use overnight moisturising gloves which really helps and you don't subconsciously do it. But then I have times when I get or life gets hard and I just let myself do it to feel better for a few minutes.  

What would you tell your self when you first started?

Don't ever remove a blemish or blackhead leave it, cover it up and it will go away. If you need to use treatment then do but don't over use it. Once you start you wont be able to stop.


What do you do to cover it all up?

If I hadn't learnt to cover it up so well I think I would have sorted it out quicker as I don't want other people to see. However, I am past the initial stages and it has turned into a type of OCD so need to cover it with make up. You can see the difference make up makes above. I first cleanse my skin with Simple Cleanser (No Picture), then use Olay complete Care (Sensitive) as I have fair and oily skin this works really well. I then use Dainty Doll Foundation Number 3 and this covers the majority of the redness. The I then apply Dainty Doll Concealer Number 2 (This has discontinued but you may be able to still get it) using either a cotton bud or concealer brush, I use the brush as I like the idea of painting my face. Then I use Rimmel Stay Matte Powder 001 and a powder brush to get rid of the shin on my face. Then I apply Miss Sporty Blusher 002 to add a youthful and healthy glow to my face. Sometimes I apply a bright lipstick or gloss to remove attention from my skin and to my mouth.

How did you stop doing this?

Well I haven't done anything about it properly yet but defiantly will this year, so any tips?

20 Questions I Want to Ask My Future Self

(I will edit this post as I find the answers to these questions below)

Dear Future Josie

1) How did you get on with your medication?
2) How long were you on your medication?
3) What different types of medication did you take and which one was the best?
4) What did you do in CBT and how does it work?
5) Since undertaking CBT how have you changed?
6) How long did it take for you to get back outside (eg swimming, kayaking, shopping, eating out)?
7) Did you have lots of bad days?
8) Did you try any workshops, classes or sessions of any kind (meditation, yoga, etc)?
9) What was the hardest thing for you to overcome?
10) If you made it back to uni in September how was it?
11) Do you still go to the toilet all the time?
12) Can you drive and since trying have you had any panic attacks behind the wheel?
13) Has the blog been really helpful?
14) What was the most frustrating thing in the quest to free yourself of anxiety?
15) What was the best literature you have come across?
16) How many panic attacks have you experienced since writing these questions?
17) How do you relax both your body and mind?
18) What life skills have you learnt from going through anxiety and panic attacks?
19) Was there something that set them off in the first place?
20) What are you doing with your life now your panic and anxiety free?

Review of the First 6 Chapters 'At Last a Life' by Paul David

 

At Last A Life

 This book was recommended to me as a result of making this blog by a friend. It arrived yesterday and I was itching to start reading it. The font, size of text and layout really impressed me, its also a lot thinner than I expected which is good as I will be able to read it quickly.

I have only read up to page 46 (out of 169) so far but I am already really glad a bought it. I had got myself into a state of mind that I couldn't be helped and I couldn't be bothered with trying to help myself any more, however, I am already convinced I can get better and have found a new energy within me. Here are just a few quotes I have taken away from it:

'You will never get better until you stop trying to get better' - I was initially in denial after hearing this, it goes against instinct. If you are ill you try everything to get better yet the cure is not to. However, this made sense after reading on.

'If you have a cold, you don't worry about it. It does not bother you because you understand it' - This was a key point that really made me re-think anxiety and I now know I need to go away and research anxiety and better understand it.

I now feel ready to start pushing myself to take little steps towards getting back out there. The only thing I am struggling with is my lack of routine, its hard to get back to normal when normal is back at university. I therefore need to try and do little things, like going to a shop or going for a walk in public and build on it.

I bought it on Amazon for £13.99 http://www.amazon.co.uk/At-Last-Life-Paul-David/dp/0956948103/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1386159638&sr=8-1&keywords=at+last+a+life

Update of How I am (04/12/2013)

How I Have Been the Past Few Days

 

After spending a few days in doors watching day time TV and feeling sorry for myself I decided that I would at least try to leave the front door, and my mum drove me into the countryside (easy to come by in Somerset) for an afternoon walk. I got really nervous half an hour before leaving the house, on the upside this was a lot better than the two hours before leaving a few weeks ago. I went to the toilet numerous times, had to use breathing exercises and as I walked through front door I got thought I was going to faint. However, as soon as I got in the car this light-headedness went away and was replaced with a feeling of wanting to go to sleep and anxiousness that something bad might happen before I made it home again. Once out in the countryside I felt a lot more relaxed and really enjoyed the walk despite the cold and wind. Once home I felt much better, my anxiety hadn't gone away but some of the tension in my body had gone away and I felt more happy mentally. Over the next three days I went for some more walks and I found by walk three before hand and when walking through the door I didn't feel anxious at all, I did get a sudden wave of panic hit me once in the car but it quickly went away.

 

I went to see a doctor yesterday who specialises in anxiety. I was nervous when walking there that I might not be able to get myself to go into the building. Once I could see the building I started to use breathing techniques to calm myself and felt very anxious when walking in, I went straight to the toilet and this helped to calm and focus me. I didn't feel completely right but was able to sign in and see the doctor. She did change my medication and I will make a post about this after I have used them for a week or so.

 



Mindfulness

My Experience of Mindfulness

 

I tried one taster session of Mindfulness at University and it really was useful. My Anxiety means that I constantly worry about the future be it the next few minutes or making the most of my entire life; Mindfulness gets you to focus on the present, the here and now.

 

Remember the last time you were doing something subconsciously, such as, brushing your teeth or driving, then realised you were thinking about something else, such as what to have for dinner that evening. You then suddenly enter back into the present and cant remember what you have subconsciously just done.

 

Mindfulness, teaches to you keep yourself focused on the present through meditation, yoga and breathing techniques. By doing this you can eliminate the Stressful and Anxious thoughts in your mind and just be.

 

Try it out!

 

This is something you can have a go at today. For two minutes when brushing your teeth, dedicate this time to being Mindful. As you begin to brush recognise the feelings you are experiencing in your mouth and hand, such as hard and rough. Then listen to the sounds in the room, from the buzz of the extractor fan to the water from the tap. Next think about the taste of the toothpaste and finally recognise your surroundings, from the shin of the tiles to the beauty of the lamp shade.

 

If you find your mind starts to wonder this is ok, recognise your mind wondered and what it was about then go back to being mindful.

 

There are a number of workshops out there both in the local community and online. I was lucky to take part for free at University, and will defiantly go to them in the future. 

 

For more information plus a free online stress tests visit www.bemindfulonline.com

 



Restructuring and getting use to things

So my last post wasn’t the best, I had just come home from uni and decided to defer the year. Going from having my head so focused on my uni work and trying to ignore my anxiety, to not having anything to focus on but my negative thoughts lead to it. I have now started to get use to the changes and thanks to arranging a private CBT session next week I have something to look forward to. I thought I was helpless and that I had let things get too bad for treatment but the therapist had heard it all before and said the treatment is very successful.

I am still struggling to get outside, it takes a lot of guts to get out of the comfort of the home. I tried to walk through town the two days ago to have my hair cut. I didn’t experience the intense indigestion I usually get half an hour before leaving just felt a little ill. When I opened the door I got a sudden head rush but I pushed myself and tried to accept it was me controlling the feelings. I then started the 20 minute walk, as I was walking I didn’t feel ill, but my vision was really strange I think it was like during a panic attack and nothing seems real. This continued until I got to the hairdressers. There was one time however, as I came round the corner and could see town and all the people for the first time, I got an overwhelming sense of fear, my mind started to race saying ‘go home your on the right side of town’, ‘if you go through there your going to have a panic attack and embarrass yourself’ and this made me feel slightly breathless and light headed. I do however understand and recognise these thoughts which aloud me to use my breathing exercise of in through nose and out through mouth and I made it through town. I got to my aunties/hairdressers and felt a bit better, just felt apprehensive on siting in the chair. I sat and explained quite easily what I wanted then with the aid of breathing techniques had my hair washed. It was then when I had to sit straight in the chair and have the cut that I had to close me eyes, try to talk to myself and use breathing techniques etc, it was hard but I did it. Once I left my vision and thoughts went back to normal and getting home was fine.

I have tried to arrange a few big things like days out but have worried about them so much I have cancelled. I have however decided to get out for walks in quiet places with my mum, this gives me something to look forward to that the only worry is the initial leaving of the house. It’s therefore clear little steps are the way forward but at least there in the right direction :)

Trying to balance up gains and losses

So I have decided to defer the year, and go back in September after I get medical help. I rang my parents and begged them to come get me last Thursday and they did. I had no intentions of deferring the year at all just needed a proper hug. However, I got home and then realised I was becoming quite dark in my thoughts and was on the verge of doing something stupid. Things got pretty dark the day after I decided to defer, I lost all hope, aims, friends I am not going to lie I didn’t know if life was worth living any more. However, I am a cup half full person, you break a leg I will say at least it wasn’t both. The following day after realising I can just visit uni next year for a few weeks at a time and have the opportunity to get myself healthy, I have slowly begun to pull myself out of it but its going to take some time. Hopefully this will be the worst post I write and that from now on they will be more positive!

I went to the doctors yesterday and saw a lovely DR who has referred me to someone specialising in anxiety which I hope will be really useful.

Officially reached that point

Ok so I lie in bed with a crowd of Josie’s having a massive debate in my head it’s so loud I have a headache. I can’t go out of the house I am to scared, I can’t relax in the house, I am constantly scared of the future and the present is just a blur.

I have come to the conclusion that this is now a big problem. My stress and anxiety levels are so high that I have to get professional help. I will defer my course, leave all my amazing friends behind :( and try again in a years time.

Hope fading away!

I feel trapped again in the house, I don’t want to go into public I just want to go home. I haven’t heard anything from the Wellbeing clinic who are meant to be doing my CBT, and I really need to start sooner rather than later. I have two essays, one I have made a good start on it just needs lots of further reading done, and well the other one I just want to give up with and don’t know how to even start. I have a class test, lit review and another essay hanging over me so need to get these done as quickly as I can. I just wish I was in the frame of mind from last year, working from 8 till 10 everyday but I just want to sleep all the time. Ahhhhhhhhhhh bad day!!!

Long time no post

So it’s been a long time since I have made a blog post and this is because I haven’t really been out and about for a while as I have been getting uni work done and I have had a reading week. I went out yesterday for the first time in 4 days and it was really hard, I became really ill about an half an hour before I was meant to leave and was convinced I was going to be sick. I didn’t want to but I ended up walking to uni which was hard but once I was half way there I felt better. Once at uni I was slightly calmer but still couldn’t get myself to go to my lecture or sit in a busy area in the library. I went to the refreshments area in the library and sat with my back to everyone, it took about an hour to be able to relax and concentrate on my work and I stayed there reading for five hours :) yay. I stayed on campus until 5 where I went to a university run workshop called mindfulness for me this was hard as it involve sitting in a circle and keeping quiet, i get indigestion almost all day when I go into public and this made it hard for me to relax. I got home at 9pm and was tired but very proud I have made it through such a daunting day. To top it off I got a first in a piece of work I haven’t been to the lectures for :)

Thank you

I would like to thank anyone that has taken the time to read this blog, or are helping me through this anxious time in my life. I really do appreciate it, it keeps me fighting on!!!

Climbing the hill for the second time

Despite being super terrified on Wednesday evening, I got a good nights sleep ‘luckily’ and woke up with the right mind set of I will walk to uni it’s a nice day (1 hour walk), this walk was hard as with every step your walking away from the safety of your bedroom. I got to uni and went to the toilet in the sport centre to try and calm myself. The hardest thing was actually getting myself into the lecture. I sat at the back a metre away from the back door which was one of the most comforting things that could have happened. I put my voice recorder on in case I needed to leave and sat there. I would jot in the margins of my page how panicky I felt everyt ime it changed and this was nice to see it drop. I would think to myself when it suddenly peaks I was fine a few seconds ago and from experience I will be fine in a few more seconds just hold on in there. Now at this point if I am tired or emotional it will trigger stronger feelings do I need to get out of here now and that’s what I do. When I have had lots of sleep I can be the bigger man.

So in the end I actually managed two hours, when I was sure I wouldn’t make 15 minutes.

Now my afternoon lecture was harder as I had just eaten lunch and was suffering from indigestion which makes me feel I’ll suddenly at certain point during the lecture. Also someone sat next to me on the row trapping me in, it was extremely hard to get through but I didn’t want to let myself down and leave.
I got the bus home, I think I was so tired and wanted to get home to have a nap that it really wasn’t that bad.

I went up to uni today for a meeting, and once again it wasn’t easy, getting the bus was fine. It’s hard sitting there at each stop but it’s my mind teasing me to get off. I got to uni and was rather breathless but tried to ignore it. I got through my meeting and stayed in the library until my piece of work was submitted.

I feel sooo relived that its the beginning of my next piece of work like a fresh start and that begins tomorrow! I had a lovely bath this evening candles rubber ducks the lot and this time I actually relaxed. Not bad for someone who hasn’t relaxed once in well over a month.

Feeling extremly frustrated

So I had a really great week last week, felt a little anxious but was making amazing progress. Then tried to go to a lecture on Tuesday and had to walk out of it due to the shear panic of not being able to breath. Then today once again I feel like I have gone down hill again, walking to Keele I felt really panicky and not in control of my thoughts and breathing. Got on the bus and wanted to get off constantly but forced myself to get to the bus station so I didn’t have to walk home. I am now very terrified about going to my lectures tomorrow and I don’t use that word half heartedly though fear of not being able to stay and getting chucked of my course and having to defer a year. I look forward to graduating with my year more than anything and I haven’t gone through all this to graduate with a load of strangers.

I suppose everyone needs to feel down to appreciate the ups.

 

I will do it tomorrow

I am an optimistic person and this is one of my downfalls. I am very stressed out about my deadlines as all third years are at the moment, however, I keep going to sleep saying I will work from 9 or work till mid-night tomorrow and get on top of things, but when I wake up I still feel the same, tired, can’t concentrate, dehydrated, tense and keep time checking. I don’t have a temperature and am not ill it’s just my body trying to tell me to chill out. Having a bath really helps me escape for a short while but it’s not enough. Right now I am thinking I shouldn’t be aloud to go to sleep I should be working, and this is another one of my problems I just can’t hide the guilt of not being on top of my work from myself and this is my to-do list:

- catch up with lecture notes
- do the further readings for all my lectures and voice recorded them all to listen back to in the Xmas hols for revision.
- do all of this weeks further reading ready to ask questions in my lectures
- chose titles for my up coming essays and started making some preliminary notes.
- complete my assignment due Friday a week ago so I could have got it checked.
- finish my dissertation literature review and handed in the first three sections as a draft for  marking
- read around all the areas in my lectures I didn’t quiet understand or interested me
- sort my bag and made a lunch box for tomorrow
- Skype my family
- make and send a birthday card
- undertake at least an hour of exercise three times a week
- read all my information about panic attacks
- sort through my dissertation results
- sort my other list of to dos that I don’t fancy blogging
- meet up with friends who need support themselves
- put away my washing
- learn different ways to relax
- read my book I bought
- sort my calendar
- Skype my friends
- etc

Yet everyday I wake up I managed to do about two hours of the 8 I would like to be doing.

Well I feel better for making that list :D let’s hope tomorrow I get work done!!

On the positive my panic attacks have gone and I just get racing thoughts which I can control through breathing exercises and visualisations.

Going on a night out

So barely back in my lectures and I decide to go on a night out :D before a night out a number of things were going through my mind: having a panic attack in public, feeling tired through not drinking, feeling really anxious and not be able to get home, having to talk to people, it being to hot, feeling trapped in crowds, looking unconfortable to my friends and throwing up in public through fear.

I made it out, if I told myself before that I would have to go and stay till 2 in the morning I would have made it really hard for myself. However by telling myself to go out till 12 it set a small and achievable goal. Before the union thoughts were rushing through my mind, should I pay to go in if I might leave? It would be easier to go home now rather than later, I feel to ill to go out etc. I made it to the union sober, felt nervous at first but the anxiety dropped every half an hour I was there and by 12 I was really enjoying it and felt relaxed. Due to the drop in anxiety my energy levels increased and I was able to make it through the night, I am now no longer completely fearful of the union through facing my fears.

University workshop on anxiety and panic attacks

So last week I attended a meeting ran by my university on anxiety and panic attacks. There were a few useful techniques I learnt which you might fine useful. The first was breathing deeply through your nose for four seconds and out through your mouth for four seconds, four times and this really helped instantly relax me. Another is external recognition, this is where you look around the room and state objects and things for example a desk a chair a yellow cushion. This distracts you as well as keeps you in the present. Another involved me imagining myself in a place I feel relaxed in, for me this is a bath, therefore I imagined myself getting into a bath and lying in the warm water listening to the lecture, this one I will defiantly use during lectures. The last is something to do in a non public space, where you scrunch up every muscle in the body until you can’t hold on any longer then release, this sends messages to your subconscious to relax, if your in a public space scrunch up your hands or feet.

Hope these help :)

My Initial CBT Meeting at Keele

So I finally managed to get a meeting with a CBT therapist/psychologist. I was able to explain everything I had wrote in my blog and felt reassured that the main things that are affecting me at the moment: fear of dying/having an accident when driving, fear of needing the toilet and fear of having a panic attack will get sorted through the therapy. During the meeting I was given material on the basics of panic attacks such as what’s happening, apparently a better understanding of the sensations and physical effects help to reduce anxiety. I was also given information the feeling of the world not being real and breathing techniques which I haven’t read yet but will post back on. I will not have to wait three weeks for my first meeting so will keep you posted.

Two lectures under my belt

So I managed just about to convince my year head that I should stay :D Couldn’t bare to defer a year after all the support I have received and how much I love my year.

I went to another meeting with the metal health nurse at Keele and unfortunately she wasn’t very useful, just checked that I was ok, but I guess there isn’t a lot she could have done. I hope to attend a stress and anxiety workshop wednesday at uni which might come in useful. Then Friday I have a meeting with the Newcastle-Under-Lyme wellbeing team, who will hopefully put me through for CBT.

I managed to go to my lecture last Thursday, it was extremely hard as I and my body were so fearful my body started to make myself ill. Before leaving the door I was dizzy, panicy, tired, my vision went all fuzzy and I really thought I would throw up. I walked to the bus stop so determined to go to lectures and tried to fight off my feelings.  I got on the bus with friends and felt really bad as I sat upstairs and knew the bus would fill up with people standing downstairs and I couldn’t get off. When the bus was stopped, such as at junctions I would panic then when it was moving it would make my stomach feel really ill like I was going to be sick. I got off the other end feeling a little better but very anxious. My friends and I went and sat in the union for about half an hour, at this point I didn’t feel ill just really anxious about feeling trapped and having to stay in my 9 oclock lecture. I went in and sat at the back so no one could see me with a friend, I couldn’t concentrate at all but managed to stay in there and hour.

That afternoon I was driven home by my grandparents back to Somerset as I needed to undertake my dissertation fieldwork the following day. The car journey was so much easier than on the way up the only anxiety I had was over getting in a queue and needing the loo but luckily they needed it as well so all went smoothly.
My grandma drove me to and from my fieldwork destination as I don’t fancy driving till I get some therapy.
I then got driven back up from the west country by my parents yesterday as I had a the meeting with the mental health nurse and neither of that was too bad.

Today I woke up a bit early (6am) and was wide awake I felt guilty lying there and thought I should get up and go to the library. I was really nervous on the bus because I was alone but I have found that chewing gum is getting me through a lot of these anxious situations and don’t go anywhere without it. I feel so nervous in the library like everyone is looking at me and was also worried about my first glacier lecture.

I felt like running a few times in the first 20 minutes of the lecture but half an hour in and I was actually enjoying the lecture. This has to be a big step. I went home and felt really drained from all the stress of the morning but and pleased that I have got back out there and am fighting this stupid thing.

Wanting to hit my head agaisnt the wall!!

Well today has been an interesting one. I received two emails today one from the head of year suggesting I should think about deferring a year. I broke down for about 2 hours in tears, imagine leaving friends behind that you will never see again, having to make a fresh start next year will a load of new people, to me I would rather fail my degree and have a good year than defer. After an hour I decided to email my dissertation tutor, who I was able to go and see this afternoon.

My grandparents dropped me off and I went in, god was it horrible being in the geography building that for me was where it all started and I hadn’t been back since. The meeting however went really well, its nice to have something in common with them as they have been through similar problems in the past and understood.

I am soooooo beyond wanting to stay its like being scared of roller coasters but having to get on to be with your friends, however, much pain and discomfort your in.

My plan for tomorrow is to go for half an hour to the lecture that I had my initial attack two weeks ago, lets see how that goes :)