Going to Bath Shopping

19th March 2014

During my few months of heightened anxiety I really wanted to get out and go to Bath shopping, I missed the January sales, and end of winter sales and was really frustrated. I was terrified of going, driving that distance away from home, going into shops, going into changing rooms, using checkouts e.t.c incase I made a fool of myself by having a Panic Attack and lost all control.

However, my anxiety levels have dropped enough that I may feel very anxious but I dont feel like I am out of control of it. I felt fine in the car and was exited to be getting out of Frome, I was really nervious in the first shop, I felt very hot and a little light headed but it quickly went away and I got on really well. I feel my greatest achievement was going in for a bra fitting, I was so anxious, it was hot, I was locked in a room with a young women that would have been very confused if I asked suddenly to leave or looked like I was strugging. I persisted and it did get a little easier the more I was in there, I was just so proud I could do something a few weeks ago would have been a dream. I didnt get tired after a couple of hours which was brilliant as the last time I had gone shopping I didnt manage very long before I just wanted to go to sleep. I went round all the shops I wanted, used changing rooms and tills, a marked improvement in such a short amount of time even if it does feel like forever

Going Kayaking

I went kayaking last week as it was lovely and sunny, and said I would start slalom again once it got warmer. Last week I got on really well, I was slightly anxious about getting on water as I might have been at risk if I had a Panic Attack, but I need to push myself into these sitations and see how I react to improve. I actully felt really great, and as it was so warm I really relaxed and enjoyed it. 

This week however, I woke up, looked out the window and saw beautiful blue sky, however when I was walking down into town the weather got far more cloudy and it began to rain. As I walked down into town my vision went really funny, I felt was if I couldnt conentrait or focus on what was around me. If anyone has fainted it was similar to what you would see before you passed out. I thought to myself that it was going to be really stupid if I was to get on the water as I would really be putting myself at risk but I thought I would take it step by step. My vision got even worse when I got to the Frome Canoe Club, Club House but it was similar to my vision at the height of my anxiety and knew I needed to push myself. Still unsure if it was anxiety or illness I got ready, when talking to a fellow slamonist in the changing rooms it got so bad I could barely see and this really did worry me, however, I was about to get on the river so put it down to that. I got on the river still thinking if it was a good idea, but it had improve since being in the changing rooms so pushed on. I did a few runs only doing a few gates so I remained close to the getting out point just incase but it dropped off within a few minuites and I was able to fully concentrate on my runs. I was so glad I went and pushed myself and the sun even came out when I was waiting to be picked up by my parents.

Slow and steady wins the race

So I left uni at the beginning of December 2013 and it's now the 5th of March, so about three months. I have been ill for two weeks in this time which has set my progress back but It's taken till this week for my anxiety levels to drop. This week I went to the Frome Sunday Market in town on my own, it was hard but I knew I could walk home at any point. It was really busy and on the first time walking round I didn't take a lot in as I was struggling to keep calm. After and hour or so my anxiety levels dropped, the run away thoughts disappeared and I was able to walk around again and enjoy it. I walked away feeling very proud. Two things I noticed was that one my safe point had changed, instead of me feeling I would need to get home if I felt panicky it was actually just leaving the town centre. This feeling makes going places a lot easier as I am not so far away from my safe point. The second thing I noticed was that I didn't fear/visualise being chopped in half if I was to walk under a road sign, I have had this feeling since I was small and going to the local supermarket to get sweets, so to not have that feeling is great news. More of these little fears that I have had for years are also subsiding, such as, locking a door and feeling if I dont lock it quickly someone is going to force their way into the house and turning a gas hob on and expecting the flames to engulf me. 

The fear of going out and about and the want to go out and about has now become equal, I am therefore exited to go places I haven't for so long and it feels worth the risk. 

Now this pancake made everything a lot better :D