Going to Bath Shopping

19th March 2014

During my few months of heightened anxiety I really wanted to get out and go to Bath shopping, I missed the January sales, and end of winter sales and was really frustrated. I was terrified of going, driving that distance away from home, going into shops, going into changing rooms, using checkouts e.t.c incase I made a fool of myself by having a Panic Attack and lost all control.

However, my anxiety levels have dropped enough that I may feel very anxious but I dont feel like I am out of control of it. I felt fine in the car and was exited to be getting out of Frome, I was really nervious in the first shop, I felt very hot and a little light headed but it quickly went away and I got on really well. I feel my greatest achievement was going in for a bra fitting, I was so anxious, it was hot, I was locked in a room with a young women that would have been very confused if I asked suddenly to leave or looked like I was strugging. I persisted and it did get a little easier the more I was in there, I was just so proud I could do something a few weeks ago would have been a dream. I didnt get tired after a couple of hours which was brilliant as the last time I had gone shopping I didnt manage very long before I just wanted to go to sleep. I went round all the shops I wanted, used changing rooms and tills, a marked improvement in such a short amount of time even if it does feel like forever

Going Kayaking

I went kayaking last week as it was lovely and sunny, and said I would start slalom again once it got warmer. Last week I got on really well, I was slightly anxious about getting on water as I might have been at risk if I had a Panic Attack, but I need to push myself into these sitations and see how I react to improve. I actully felt really great, and as it was so warm I really relaxed and enjoyed it. 

This week however, I woke up, looked out the window and saw beautiful blue sky, however when I was walking down into town the weather got far more cloudy and it began to rain. As I walked down into town my vision went really funny, I felt was if I couldnt conentrait or focus on what was around me. If anyone has fainted it was similar to what you would see before you passed out. I thought to myself that it was going to be really stupid if I was to get on the water as I would really be putting myself at risk but I thought I would take it step by step. My vision got even worse when I got to the Frome Canoe Club, Club House but it was similar to my vision at the height of my anxiety and knew I needed to push myself. Still unsure if it was anxiety or illness I got ready, when talking to a fellow slamonist in the changing rooms it got so bad I could barely see and this really did worry me, however, I was about to get on the river so put it down to that. I got on the river still thinking if it was a good idea, but it had improve since being in the changing rooms so pushed on. I did a few runs only doing a few gates so I remained close to the getting out point just incase but it dropped off within a few minuites and I was able to fully concentrate on my runs. I was so glad I went and pushed myself and the sun even came out when I was waiting to be picked up by my parents.

Slow and steady wins the race

So I left uni at the beginning of December 2013 and it's now the 5th of March, so about three months. I have been ill for two weeks in this time which has set my progress back but It's taken till this week for my anxiety levels to drop. This week I went to the Frome Sunday Market in town on my own, it was hard but I knew I could walk home at any point. It was really busy and on the first time walking round I didn't take a lot in as I was struggling to keep calm. After and hour or so my anxiety levels dropped, the run away thoughts disappeared and I was able to walk around again and enjoy it. I walked away feeling very proud. Two things I noticed was that one my safe point had changed, instead of me feeling I would need to get home if I felt panicky it was actually just leaving the town centre. This feeling makes going places a lot easier as I am not so far away from my safe point. The second thing I noticed was that I didn't fear/visualise being chopped in half if I was to walk under a road sign, I have had this feeling since I was small and going to the local supermarket to get sweets, so to not have that feeling is great news. More of these little fears that I have had for years are also subsiding, such as, locking a door and feeling if I dont lock it quickly someone is going to force their way into the house and turning a gas hob on and expecting the flames to engulf me. 

The fear of going out and about and the want to go out and about has now become equal, I am therefore exited to go places I haven't for so long and it feels worth the risk. 

Now this pancake made everything a lot better :D

Anxiety Tips and My Experience

CBT
So I gave up on CBT after four sessions, it would work well for those with a specific phobia, such as spiders or water but anxiety is just to complex. I put myself forward for NHS CBT, however, the waiting times are so long I decided to go private. I found myself worrying about going to each of the meetings, sitting in the small room, face to face with someone I didn't know, talking about what I am worried about. On my fourth meeting I actually had a panic attack in my meeting as I had worked myself up so much before I entered the room. I cancelled my meetings as soon as I came across the Charles Linden Method and my anxiety dropped quiet considerably after a few hour of reading. CBT requires you to analyse yourself and record your before, during and after thoughts into a notebook, which I did for a month. I stressed about not recording everything and it caused me to really focus on my ever changing issues both mentally and physically all the time. To get over anxiety you need to ignore your SENSATIONS and how can you do that while writing about them and discussing them all the time. It might work for some people but it was too much for me.

Charles Linden
I came across the Charles Linden Method when I Googled Anxiety Retreats, as I was looking for somewhere I could go and have my hand held through getting out of Anxiety. The retreats look amazing, a large number of celebrities have used the retreats and within 4 days state to be anxiety free. However, they cost about £2700. I came across their printed version you can do at home for about £100 and decided to invest. Its brilliant visit this link: http://www.charles-linden.com/books/. Once I started to read it I felt inspired and it totally made complete sense, its not just for General Anxiety Disorder but Panic Attacks, Social Phobia, Acrophobia, OCD, Eating Disorders and more. The method is very simple and I have started to see immediate results. I would love to go to the retreat but the same results can come from the home pack so it seemed best to start there. SOOOO WORTH IT!

One of the requirements is to not talk about your anxiety and this is why I haven't wrote on my blog for a long time.

My experience of the Charles Linden Diet was interesting I actually managed it for a month. As the whole method is about keeping your body in balance it requires you to remove anything that causes your body from creating highs and lows, such as sugar, potatoes, white bread, rice, pasta, flour. Basically I ate the world's healthiest diet. I took it very seriously, however, as I wasn't enjoying food anymore it made me feel really down so I have now decided to be more relaxed and eat a mix of both.

Medication (I am not a Doctor this is only my experience.

I began by taking once 40mg tablet of Propananol once a day (A Beta Blocker which stops hyperventilation). It felt great to be on medication as I thought it would really help, unfortunately it wasn't a magic pill. I was allowed to take up to three a day if necessary, and I quickly started to take one morning, lunch and evening. For the first week I felt light headed and dizzy which is perfectly normal and it eased. I was worried about it so went to Loyids Pharmacy for a blood pressure check but I was reassured to see mine was perfect. I found I would wake up in the morning and feel very anxious and would take a tablet as soon as I woke up which would immediately calm me down. Then it would increase again about 10am and I would need to hang on until lunch, then I would take one before bed so I didn't risk waking up in the night. Please never try to come off three a day and go straight to one apparently its really dangerous and I tried this and really struggled with my anxiety and went straight back to three. A little later on I went to a mental health nurse and she suggested I went onto an 80mg slow release Propanonol, and I would highly recommend it. I take it in the evening so I wake up in the morning without any problems and it lasts me until about 6pm of the evening after I take it. In the first week of taking it I would get pins and needles in my arms when I slept and I am still prone to this along with cold hand but its worth it. I was aloud to take one of my 40mg quick release tablets if I really really needed to as well and I have used them twice, once when I went to the dentist as I really worked myself up and it really helped and then once again a week later but it didn't have the effect it had the time before and I didn't feel any different so I no longer rely on it. After reading the Charles Linden method it became clear that I needed to keep my body in a state of balance, therefore by taking three quick release doses my body was out of balance experiencing highs and lows, where as the slow release tablet keeps everything balanced and calm.

When I get stressed I get really bad acid reflex and indigestion I take an anti acid tablet which kind of helps but the best thing I have found is using breathing exercises during and after when I have eaten

For those ladies out there you have probably found that your anxiety becomes out of control when you are at the time of the month, this is because your hormones are all over the place. Your body is less able to cope, and this tends to be the time I loose all the progress I have made. In order to keep my body in balance I have taken to using the Pill its brilliant the more months that go by using it the better I am able to cope.

If you can use the Charles Linden Method for at least a week before considering using medication as you become very reliant on it and it takes a which to ease yourself off of it.

Never Make Solid Plans

One of my biggest tips is to be very go with the flow, if you make a plan you might worry about it where as a vague or spontaneous plan is much easier to deal with.

Set Backs
I go through stages where I make serious progress, I might be out and about by myself, paying at checkouts, eating the food I want to eat one week then the next I wont want to leave the house and just being awake is difficult. However, once I feel better again I progress more and more each time and this is very positive.

Tips
I often struggled with the feeling I cant breath, I start trying to control my breathing rate, get worried I am not doing it right and cant ignore it enough to just let my body do it. The real fact is my body can breath without me, think to the time you last held your breath after a certain amount of time you will suddenly need to inhale and your body will naturally inhale the right amount without you needing to do anything. My tip though which really works for me is to sing in my head 'Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk And said goodbye to the circus, Off she went with a trumpety-trump Trump, trump, trump'  Over and over again. I often find it works really well if your having a conversation with someone and panic over rides you and you don't know what to do, just sing it a few times and it goes off.

Drink Chamomile
Tea 4x a days its a natural sedative and is amazing, you have to ignore the taste its sweet which helps but is no hot chocolate.

Was Deferring the Year the right thing to do?
Yes, it really was I was trying to complete my final year at university while battling with severe anxiety. I should have deferred the month before when problems began but I personally needed to reach that point myself when I thought enough was enough and that I had done everything I could. My biggest problem is I feel guilty giving myself time off, and as I didn't in the summer holidays I wasn't ready to go back to uni refreshed. I push myself to do the best that I can, which became difficult as I started to see this as I need to be super perfect all the time. I also like to be on top of things and that is impossible in third year, you need to be working night and day in order to do this and that is where you need to prioritize. I have been home from uni for about two months now I have improved, however, I still struggle to go outside and am still in no state to get any work done as I still need more recovery time. If your anxiety is getting worse not better and you are really pushing yourself to the absolute maximum and are struggling to reach your potential, your actually doing some real damage to your brains nerve endings and the more you push the more damage you are causing. I am going to need all the time I can get to recover before going back to uni, so deferring sooner is going to be better. You will know when the time is right as you will suddenly admit to yourself this is stupid I need to stop.

If you want to know more information or want some advice please don't hesitate to ask me I would really be glad of it

I don't want christmas I just want to be anxiety free!

Last few days

So I haven't really done a great deal the past few days, I have just sat around watching other people run around stressed and busy while sat on the sofa trying to burry my head in TV and books. Friday started off well with me doing some crafty things until about 3 but then I just got really tired and spent the rest of the day waiting for it to end. Then I woke up Saturday with no motivation to do anything and spent the entire day waiting for bedtime. 

Today

Today I woke up knowing I was at least going to go on a walk in the countryside with my mum, I got ready and we headed out about 11. I felt a little anxious before leaving the house but over came it by going to the toilet lots as a way to relax, I then was surprisingly fine in the car, and when changing into my hiking boots in the car park, however, after walking for just a few minutes I had a really overwhelming sense of panic and inability to breath come over me, I took some Rescuse remedy immediately and after a few minutes it slowly went down to a more manageable level. As we walked it wasn't easy I was feeling pretty down and struggled to see the excitement and beauty in anything, from the running water to the blue sky, nothing was working. It wasn't until about an hour into the walk I began to enjoy it at least a little bit. We then went to a local garden centre for lunch, I was fine for the first few minutes after walking in but then I began to feel breathless and uneasy like I wanted to lie down. Going to the toilet helped a little bit but I knew I was about to go into the cafe area to eat so remained apprehensive. I did choose my food and sit down quickly as for me that's the hard part making a decision under pressure whilst being watched. Once sat down I was anxious but I could deal with it and it wasn't coming at me in overwhelming ways. I did enjoy my meal which is a little achievement but it's hard to see it worthy enough for a medal. Afterwards we walked around the garden centre but after about twenty minutes I became very anxious, very fidgety and it was defiantly time to go home. This evening has been ok I thought I would be in a much better frame of mine but once again I felt like I am just waiting for evening to pass so I can go to sleep, and because the TV was so awful it went really slowly. I really hope I can snap out of these feelings of wishing my days away and that I want Chrsitmas to be over and done with. If only humans hibernated for a few months life would be so much easier. 

Creating A CBT Notebook and Lunch With Grandparents

I woke up around eight and was awake enough to get dressed straight away. I then was in the mood to do something contrastive and I started to write my first draft of a blog post for the past few days. This took me around two hours in the end as I had done quite a lot and wanted to explain all. I then began to make an Anxiety book from a spare note pad I have acquired. I have sheets from CBT etc. that I stuck into it and will be using it to keep a record of everything I have learnt during the sessions as well as other things that I have picked up elsewhere.

Then I went to my grandparents’ house with my mum for lunch, I really like going to their house as it’s warm, cosy and relaxing. I also don’t need to do very much to please my grandparents, by eating their food I feel like I am doing them a favour. Then in the afternoon my mum and nan went off for a few hours shopping while me and my granddad went for a walk around town with my Aunties dog for a few hours, this was really nice as I was able to get out in the fresh air, do some exercise and please my granddad. We got back to their house and I watched TV for an hour before my mum come to take me home, I was ready to fall asleep and didn’t want to go out in to the stormy weather. Once home I ate my dinner and then when I thought everyone had gone out went upstairs to sing a cheeky bit of opera for a couple of hours. I haven’t sung in years and it’s something I would like to get back into again, it’s just relearning the breathing techniques as I run out of breath quickly, maybe my sister will teach me. I had small rumbled of anxiety today, but nothing really stood out which is good as it must mean my anxiety levels are reducing slowly.

Visiting The Doctors

Today I spent a few hours sorting my belongings that I had brought home from university at the weekend. I didn’t feel anxious this morning, however, I am finding I can only do a couple of hours of anything a day and then I need to lie down and do something simple like watch TV, I think my brain is just too tired at the moment. At 4 my mum came home to take me to the doctors, I wasn’t anxious beforehand but once I got in the car suddenly my mind began to race and I felt I couldn’t breathe. I tried to think of some of the techniques that I have been taught in CBT to deal with it but I just couldn’t think of any at the time and wasn’t able to use it. I however, look forward to the moment CBT techniques are second nature and I am able to stop these situations/thought processes. Once at the doctors I did my usual of going to the toilet, this helps me relax by just taking a couple of minutes to relax on my own. I then signed in and sat in the waiting area, I was ok for the first minute when I sat down and then as time went on I became increasingly agitated and anxious. I became very hot despite it not being so and sat there in just a short sleeved dress I was experiencing the same sort of heat you have with the flu. I found it hard to breathe properly, I was struggling with the bright artificial light, I wanted to lie down, I couldn’t hold a conversation with my mum as I was unable to concentrate and if I spoke I felt even more breathless and my brain was telling me to get outside and try and cool down. I had to wait twenty minutes longer for my appointment than I was meant to and this really didn’t help. I then entered the doctors room and felt slightly better for a minute and then my attention went again, if I was asked questions I found it hard to answer them so luckily I had my mum with me and I had taken a list of things I wanted to ask: a doctor’s note to send to my university, more slow releasing propanol and a hormone balancing drug. I did struggle to stay in the room but I knew it wouldn’t last long so pushed through. As soon as I left the room my anxiety levels dropped rapidly and I was able to hold a conversation again with my mum,  I also felt really cold as I had just spent the last hour without a coat on. I also became really tired from the anxiety of the past hour, so I just spent the evening relaxing on the sofa.